What Can Be Done About a Proactivity Gap in a Relationship?

Some relationships struggle due to discrepancies in proactivity between partners.

In a recent blog post, I talked about how a proactivity gap occurs when one partner takes on more proactive responsibility than the other in most scenarios, most of the time. I described that a more proactive partner might be the one to take the initiative on managing a household budget, bringing up conversations about unresolved conflicts, thinking ahead about meal planning, and even finding a couples therapist.

I discussed how, over time, a gap in proactivity in a relationship can lead to diminished trust, decreased intimacy, and, potentially, a relationship dynamic that looks more like parenting and less like a partnership.

Today, I wanted to explore what can be done about a proactivity gap in a relationship. A nuanced issue such as this one necessitates a detailed, multi-layered approach. A blueprint for understanding and starting to change a proactivity gap within a couple's relationship might involve these three steps: 1) understanding how the discrepancy came to be, 2) addressing what is causing the dynamic to sustain, and 3) practicing new ways of being.

1) Understanding how the discrepancy came to be and the impact it is having: To begin, with any problem in a couple's relationship, it helps to get to the root of what each partner is bringing to the table and to trace the history of how the dynamic originated. In this particular scenario, it is likely going to be helpful to ask and answer questions like:

• Why do I take (or not take) initiative on certain areas of responsibility within my relationship?

• Which areas of relationship responsibility come naturally to me? Which areas feel totally outside of my wheelhouse?

• In my family, who did I see take initiative in areas like having hard conversations, managing finances, or maintaining social connections?

• How is it impacting me that I am taking on more responsibility, more of the time? or How is it impacting my partner that they are taking on more responsibility, more of the time?

2) Addressing what is causing the dynamic to sustain and developing an awareness of what would need to happen for the dynamic to change: Next, it helps to look at how the dynamic has continued to sustain and to discuss what might happen if things were to change.

• How do I benefit from my partner taking on more responsibility? or (for the more proactive partner) How do I benefit from being the one who takes on more responsibility?

• If things were to change, and the proactivity gap were to shrink, would our relationship feel different at all? Would it change for the better? For the worse?

3) Practicing new ways of being: Finally, in order to address a gap in proactivity, couples will need to put into practice a new way of being.

• What would it take for the dynamic to change? What would need to be different?

• In my ideal scenario, what kinds of proactive responsibility would I take on?

• In my ideal scenario, what kinds of proactive responsibility would I count on my partner to handle?

• How will I need to restructure my life to be more proactive in the areas I am responsible for? or How will I let go of some of the responsibility I have now, trusting my partner will take it on my behalf?

• What are the barriers to my taking on proactive responsibility? How can I address these barriers?

• How will I communicate with my partner if I feel the proactivity gap persisting? How will we approach this conversation in a new way?

Addressing a proactivity gap in a relationship may be self-directed work for couples. Or, couples may need to consult a therapist or coach to work with them on following these three steps - understanding how the discrepancy came to be, addressing what is causing the dynamic to sustain, and practicing new ways of being.

Most importantly, in order for this type of change to be successful, there must be mutual recognition of the problem and a unified desire to alter potentially deeply entrenched patterns. If you and your partner are in need of someone to facilitate this process, reach out via the Contact page on my website, and we'll begin the process together.

The Proactivity Gap in Relationships

Recently, I have seen several relationships end due to discrepancies in proactivity.

In these dynamics, one partner takes on more proactive responsibility than the other in most scenarios, most of the time. Over the course of a relationship, this type of dynamic leads the more proactive partner to become resentful. In severe cases, the more proactive partner may end up leaving the relationship because they feel weighed down by this discrepancy.

From my vantage point as a couples therapist, I can pick up on a proactivity gap from the moment someone in the relationship reaches out for help.

In a situation where there is a proactivity gap, the more proactive partner is likely the one who found me for couples therapy. This person took the time to research therapists, reach out to me, and initiate our consultation. Conversely, the less proactive partner likely gave their "okay" about my bio, filled out their share of the initial paperwork, and showed up for our first session.

During this process, the more proactive partner may have done things like:

• Remind the less proactive partner to fill out their portion of the paperwork

• Put 'couples therapy' in a shared calendar (that the more proactive partner created)

• Added their credit card for billing, rather than a shared card

• Reached out to me to ask clarifying questions or share information about goals for treatment

By this point, you probably get the idea. In relationships where there is a proactivity gap, one partner is doing much more work than the other.

Aside from reaching out for couples therapy, here are some other areas where a proactivity gap may occur in both the short-term and long-term. The more proactive partner may be the one to:

• Think ahead about meal planning and grocery purchases for the week

• Keep track of household finances and manage a budget

• Plan and host gatherings to stay in touch with friends

• Bring up conversations about unresolved conflicts

In many cases, the more proactive partner will ask the less proactive partner to take the lead on some of these tasks. But, even in having to delegate those tasks, the more proactive partner feels a sense of resentment.

They think something along the lines of "even when you're the one who's doing the task, I'm the one that had to do the work to ask you to do that task." The proactivity gap shows up in who is taking the lead on getting things done, not just in who is actually doing the task.

When there is a proactivity gap, the small, seemingly innocuous tasks the more proactive partner takes on day-by-day start to add up. This can lead the more proactive partner to:

• Feel taken advantage of

• Give up on things changing

• Stop trusting their partner will meet their needs

• Question whether or not their partner will be able to succeed at work

Over time, the more proactive partner may begin to see the less proactive partner as:

• Entitled

• Aloof

• Incapable

Eventually, the more proactive partner may end the relationship because:

• They feel as though they will be able to get more done on their own

• They start to look down on their partner (this can impact other things like sexual desire)

• They feel less like a partner and more like a parent

What is the antidote to a proactivity gap? Can relationships with a proactivity gap be saved? As with most questions in therapy, the answers to these questions are nuanced and dependent upon the couple's circumstances.

I'll be exploring these questions about potential antidotes to a gap in proactivity on my blog next week. Check back on Wednesday to read more.

Treating the Realization of an Affair Like a Natural Disaster

The fallout of realizing an affair can be like experiencing a natural disaster. When I work with clients who have come to me just after an affair has surfaced, this is what I tell them: It is normal to feel like your entire world is upside down. It is normal to feel like everything that used to be important needs to be put on pause. It is normal to think "all I can do right now is survive today." It is like living through an emotional natural disaster.

In a relationship where an affair has surfaced, the foundation of safety that previously existed is compromised, like when an earthquake rocks the foundation of a city. In a relationship where an affair has surfaced, even after a couple has started to reckon with the fallout and rebuild, aftershocks (new details emerging, having to have hard conversations with kids or friends) can occur, like the aftershocks of an earthquake.

The experience of realizing an affair, especially for a partner who was cheated on, means adjusting to a new reality. The initial phase of this process is so destabilizing that people may need to cancel plans, take time off of work, or even attend therapy multiple times a week to get through it. Again, the fallout mimics that of a natural disaster - everything is put on pause, and the objective is to survive.

I find it important to normalize the severity of this experience and to let people know they are not alone in feeling things so intensely. In the wake of this type of realization, it can feel like all is lost, like things will never get better, like a sense of normalcy will never be re-established. But as with a natural disaster, with the realization of an affair, it is possible to rebuild.

In some cases, over the long term, rebuilding might look like:

• Unpacking the events leading up to the affair

• De-constructing the 'why' behind the affair happening

• Working with the partner who was cheated on to explore how their trust might be re-established, slowly and over time

• Developing a working model to avoid a similar situation, through the improvement of open communication and prioritization of clarity around relational boundaries

• Pursuing couples therapy to get insight from a professional on underlying issues in the relationship

In other cases, where the relationship is "irretrievably broken" (to quote a recent explanation of divorce from Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner), individual partners may rebuild in ways such as:

• Working to accept the end of the relationship & move on

• Unpacking the circumstances that led to the affair happening

• Pursuing individual therapy to process the trauma of the event and to establish a new sense of personal safety in relationships

Over time, as is true with any other emergency, the pain of the initial impact can, and will, lessen. In the end, there will be opportunities to rebuild in ways that establish either a sense of safety in the relationship or a sense of safety outside of the relationship, with a new beginning.

Until then, it is normal to feel completely unmoored.

Accordingly, those experiencing the trauma of the realization of an affair must find ways, moment by moment, to survive, until the intensity lessens and healing becomes possible.