Expansive Notions of Grief

I can recall when I first started to think about grief in a more expansive way. Initially, I thought grief was reserved for issues of death and loss. As I learned and experienced more, I began to understand grief as a normal response to less obvious events, such as transitions, breakups, the ending of friendships, the launching of children, etc. Now, I see grief all around me, all the time.

We tend to associate grief with things like:

• Death

• Loss

• Illness

We may also experience grief in response to:

• A divorce or breakup

• The end of a friendship

• A transition like graduating, moving, or launching children

If we let it, grief can be a unique and powerful teacher. It can illuminate the fleeting nature of what we once took for granted. It can show us, over and over, what we hold most dear. It can remind us to sit longer with what we have or move more quickly toward what we are still looking for.

The Courage to End a Relationship

Nourishing relationships can shelter us through difficulties and free up space for us to pursue what is important. Draining relationships can have the opposite effect. They can take up so much space that they distract us from our purpose.

Leaving a relationship that is not providing the security you long for is an incredible act of courage. Taking a leap of faith & trusting in the potential for more is admirable and celebratory.

With that in mind, one of the best ways to reframe a breakup is as an act of love towards yourself, rather than an act of malice against the person you are breaking up with. Often, the narrative around a breakup is more punitive -- it sounds like "I'm dumping them" or "they didn't deserve me." While this kind of language may fit for more scenarios, it may be misaligned with others.

Especially in relationships where there is still love present, walking away can have more to do with wanting something different for ourselves than harboring anger toward the person we are walking away from. In the aftermath of this type of breakup, it can be essential to continually return to the intention of self-love and self-care, so as not to slide back into a situation that is not serving us.

If the time is right, and you muster the courage to walk away, you can remind yourself that you are brave, not malicious. It may be helpful to replace the more traditionally punitive breakup narrative with something along the lines of "this was a step I needed to take" and "unfortunately, I am not able to move forward with this person, despite the fondness I have towards them."

Developing a Secure Base

One of the greatest hopes of couple therapy is that partners would be able to develop what attachment researchers refer to as a secure base.

The idea of a secure base comes from early attachment research on the relationship that a child develops with a caregiver. It suggests that children who feel emotionally, physically, and psychologically safe with caretakers are more likely to explore the world around them with confidence.

In secure child-caregiver dynamics, children know they have someone to return to who will provide them with reassurance, help comfort them in times of distress, and provide protection. You can imagine how children who know they have this type of secure base may be more likely to take risks, explore new things, and develop an awareness of their limits through trial and error.

In adult romantic partnerships, a similar dynamic can occur. Partners can experience peace of mind knowing there is someone looking out for them, who will respond sensitively in hard times and provide a reliable source of comfort and support.

A secure adult partnership, just like a secure child-caregiver dynamic, can support partners in going after their dreams, trying new things, developing awareness, and engaging deeply with the world around them.

In couple therapy, we work towards laying (or re-building) a foundation that supports partners' security with one another. When there is confidence in the relationship, and partners know they have a safe space to return to with one another, they can tackle the opportunities and challenges presented to them outside of the relationship more effectively.