What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?

Compulsory heterosexuality is a term that was popularized by Adrienne Rich, a poet and writer, in 1980. It refers to the fact that people act in accordance with heterosexual norms because to do otherwise is to face potential ostracism, punishment, and violence.

The term compulsory heterosexuality recognized that across the world, in many places, heterosexuality is institutionally validated and normalized as the default. Thus, people are assumed to be heterosexual unless there are specific markers to indicate they are not. Compulsory heterosexuality is recognizable especially in the fact that queer people must come out, which straight people are not asked to clarify the gender identity of the people they love or have sex with.

One component of compulsory heterosexuality involves making assumptions about others. For example, you may think someone is straight because they have not indicated otherwise. This can sound something like "he 'looks' straight, and he hasn't come out to me as gay, so he must be straight" or "is your boyfriend coming to the office party?" Both of these examples include an assumption of heterosexuality.

Another component of compulsory heterosexuality involves operating from an internal place of assumption. For example, you may fail to consider the possibility of being queer yourself, since you assume yourself to be heterosexual, in line with institutionalized norms. This could sound like "I've always just dated women, I've never really thought about dating people of other genders." This includes an instance in which someone does not feel there is an option available to them other than the one that has come along with norms of heterosexuality.

Compulsory heterosexuality can end up causing harm if it:

• Makes someone feel they cannot pursue a relationship with a person they love and/or express their true identity to others

• Limits a person's ability to consider all the potential types of romantic relationships they would like to have

• Leads someone to make hurtful assumptions or homophobic comments

Compulsory heterosexuality might come up in therapy when:

• Someone needs to grieve the years of their life spent conforming to compulsory heterosexuality

• Someone is dealing with the difficulties of operating as a queer person in a compulsory heterosexual world

• Someone is just beginning to unpack and understand their identity as someone who is not heterosexual

Existing as a queer person in a compulsory heterosexual world can be a daily uphill battle. It takes fortitude, self-compassion, and sometimes, just luck, to find an environment where who you are and the type of relationship you have feel safe to be out in the open.

I'm Afraid to Put Out My Creative Work. What Should I Do?

1) Get clear about the barriers. You’ll want to begin by figuring out what is holding you back from putting out your work. You could be experiencing: fear of judgment, a lack of self-confidence, perfectionistic thinking, etc.

2) Investigate the thoughts that underly the barrier(s). You may be having thoughts like: Is my work ready? Can I make it better? What if no one engages with my work? What if people make fun of my work? What if my friends and family talk about me behind my back?

3) Consider the negatives and positives of these thoughts. Most likely, the fears you have about putting out creative work exist to keep you safe. It’s true that you may experience judgment or criticism when you put out your work, and it’s ok to honor that is scary. However, there may also be reasons why it could be exciting to put out your work, and these thoughts could be clouded by your fears.

4) Decide what’s important to you at this time. After getting clear about what’s holding you back, you may decide that you’re not ready to handle facing the potential rejection of your creative work. At this point in time, it may be more important to keep yourself safe, and that’s ok. Alternatively, if it’s important to you to gift others with your work or do something outside of your comfort zone, perhaps it’s time to take the leap of uncertainty and put your work out there.

5) Take the leap when you’re ready. There may never be a time where your work is ‘completely ready,’ and there likely will not be a time when there’s no fear associated with putting it out there. Doing so against these circumstances demonstrates tremendous strength.

6) Prepare supports for yourself ahead of time and celebrate your bravery. Plan for difficult emotions to arise before, during, and after putting out your work. Let the people you trust know you may need extra support. Then, celebrate the step you have taken. Regardless of how your work is received, you have done something very brave just by putting it out there.

Therapeutic Work Isn't Always About Addressing Problems

One of my favorite topics to teach on is the history of positive psychology.

Following World War II, the field of psychology focused mainly on healing psychological distress and addressing pathology. The VA (Veteran’s Affairs) center was founded in 1946, and NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) was founded in 1947. These two organizations focused on reducing symptoms, mainly related to PTSD in the post-war environment. Research grants during this time were largely given to those who studied pathology and symptom reduction, again because of the impact of World War II on the mental health of the global community.

The work of psychologists like Martin Seligman in the late 1900s and early 2000s repopularized concepts of psychology that focused more on increasing well-being than decreasing symptoms.

Work of this type purported that simply ‘not feeling bad’ was an insufficient goal, and that therapeutic work should involve increasing human flourishing in addition to reducing suffering. Seligman and co-researcher Csikszentmihalyi, in a 2000 APA article, note “treatment is not just fixing what is broken; it is nurturing what is best.”

This means that in therapy, treatment addresses symptoms, while also promoting resourcefulness, identifying resiliencies, amplifying strengths, and connecting with gifts.