I'm Afraid to Put Out My Creative Work. What Should I Do?

1) Get clear about the barriers. You’ll want to begin by figuring out what is holding you back from putting out your work. You could be experiencing: fear of judgment, a lack of self-confidence, perfectionistic thinking, etc.

2) Investigate the thoughts that underly the barrier(s). You may be having thoughts like: Is my work ready? Can I make it better? What if no one engages with my work? What if people make fun of my work? What if my friends and family talk about me behind my back?

3) Consider the negatives and positives of these thoughts. Most likely, the fears you have about putting out creative work exist to keep you safe. It’s true that you may experience judgment or criticism when you put out your work, and it’s ok to honor that is scary. However, there may also be reasons why it could be exciting to put out your work, and these thoughts could be clouded by your fears.

4) Decide what’s important to you at this time. After getting clear about what’s holding you back, you may decide that you’re not ready to handle facing the potential rejection of your creative work. At this point in time, it may be more important to keep yourself safe, and that’s ok. Alternatively, if it’s important to you to gift others with your work or do something outside of your comfort zone, perhaps it’s time to take the leap of uncertainty and put your work out there.

5) Take the leap when you’re ready. There may never be a time where your work is ‘completely ready,’ and there likely will not be a time when there’s no fear associated with putting it out there. Doing so against these circumstances demonstrates tremendous strength.

6) Prepare supports for yourself ahead of time and celebrate your bravery. Plan for difficult emotions to arise before, during, and after putting out your work. Let the people you trust know you may need extra support. Then, celebrate the step you have taken. Regardless of how your work is received, you have done something very brave just by putting it out there.

Therapeutic Work Isn't Always About Addressing Problems

One of my favorite topics to teach on is the history of positive psychology.

Following World War II, the field of psychology focused mainly on healing psychological distress and addressing pathology. The VA (Veteran’s Affairs) center was founded in 1946, and NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) was founded in 1947. These two organizations focused on reducing symptoms, mainly related to PTSD in the post-war environment. Research grants during this time were largely given to those who studied pathology and symptom reduction, again because of the impact of World War II on the mental health of the global community.

The work of psychologists like Martin Seligman in the late 1900s and early 2000s repopularized concepts of psychology that focused more on increasing well-being than decreasing symptoms.

Work of this type purported that simply ‘not feeling bad’ was an insufficient goal, and that therapeutic work should involve increasing human flourishing in addition to reducing suffering. Seligman and co-researcher Csikszentmihalyi, in a 2000 APA article, note “treatment is not just fixing what is broken; it is nurturing what is best.”

This means that in therapy, treatment addresses symptoms, while also promoting resourcefulness, identifying resiliencies, amplifying strengths, and connecting with gifts.

To Have a Better Relationship... Become Comfortable with the Idea of Your Relationship Ending

Recently, I have been advising new couples in therapy to get comfortable with the idea that their relationship could end one day. This sounds very counterintuitive… why would I spend time thinking about my relationship ending, when it’s so new, and I’m so happy in it?

The reason why has to do with stakes in times of conflict.

When conflict inevitably arises in a couple’s relationship, the distance that is natural in an argument may feel HIGH stakes if the members of that couple have not visualized themselves being okay, even if the relationship ends. Conversely, when the members of the couple have familiarized themselves with the reality that the relationship may end one day, a routine disagreement may have LOW stakes, because the visual of being okay even if the relationship ends is present.

This is important because the stakes of an argument can drastically change the way partners engage with one another. If one or both partners start to feel that they may not be oaky, because the relationship may end, and they haven’t prepared for that, it’s natural to act more desperate, irrational, or scared. If both partners know they will be okay, even if the relationship ends, they will be able to approach the argument in a more level-headed manner, because they won’t be acting out of fear.

I love this idea because it’s pretty practical to implement. Here’s what you have to do:

Imagine that the worst-case scenario occurs and you aren’t able to work through a relationship-ending conflict with your partner. Visualize how you will feel (sad, lost, angry, disappointed, etc.). Sit with the emotion. Then, think about what you would do in this hypothetical scenario.

Answer the following questions… How would you move on from the relationship? Who would you call on for help? How would you handle the logistics? What steps would need to be taken? How would you find new meaning and purpose without your partner? Keep going through this fictional scenario until the heightened emotions lessen and you begin to feel that even if this happens, things will ultimately be okay.

Take note of how this changes the stakes the next time you have an argument with your partner. You can be committed to them, and hopeful that you are able to work things out, while also knowing that if things aren’t able to be worked out, you will always be okay. This will allow you to approach routine conflicts with more of a sense of peace and level-headedness.