Developing a Secure Base

One of the greatest hopes of couple therapy is that partners would be able to develop what attachment researchers refer to as a secure base.

The idea of a secure base comes from early attachment research on the relationship that a child develops with a caregiver. It suggests that children who feel emotionally, physically, and psychologically safe with caretakers are more likely to explore the world around them with confidence.

In secure child-caregiver dynamics, children know they have someone to return to who will provide them with reassurance, help comfort them in times of distress, and provide protection. You can imagine how children who know they have this type of secure base may be more likely to take risks, explore new things, and develop an awareness of their limits through trial and error.

In adult romantic partnerships, a similar dynamic can occur. Partners can experience peace of mind knowing there is someone looking out for them, who will respond sensitively in hard times and provide a reliable source of comfort and support.

A secure adult partnership, just like a secure child-caregiver dynamic, can support partners in going after their dreams, trying new things, developing awareness, and engaging deeply with the world around them.

In couple therapy, we work towards laying (or re-building) a foundation that supports partners' security with one another. When there is confidence in the relationship, and partners know they have a safe space to return to with one another, they can tackle the opportunities and challenges presented to them outside of the relationship more effectively.

10 Questions to Ask Before Moving in With a Partner

Are you considering moving in with your partner? Taking the step to move in together in a romantic relationship can represent something beautiful, like joining your lives together in a new way.

Moving in together, or even just talking about moving in together, can also provoke feelings of anxiety. Sharing space in this way can surface new conflicts and take a toll on the relationship. This can especially be true if a couple does not adequately prepare for the ways in which their relationship will change after moving in together.

Proactively discussing these changes can result in a more successful move. If you are thinking of moving in with your partner, you may consider starting couples therapy prior to moving, in anticipation of needing extra relationship support. Or, you may work on having conversations about expectations with your partner on your own.

Here are 10 questions you might use as a jumping-off point:

1) What have been some of your best experiences with roommates in general? Worst experiences? Which of these experiences should we work hard to replicate, and which should we work hard to avoid?

2) Will it be a good idea to get into couples therapy at the same time as moving in so that we can talk with someone as needed?

3) What will we do if we are running low on money? Who will we ask for help, or how will we make extra money?

4) How should we handle things if one of us is not pulling their weight in chores? Or if things aren’t getting done on time? What is the best way I could start that conversation with you?

5) What do you think might change for the better when we move in together? What do you think might become harder once we move in together?

6) What are our expectations around individual and conjoint finances? What is our plan for splitting expenses? What goals do the two of us have around money, and how can we help each other to meet them?

7) If we move in together, and it’s not working out well, will that be the end of our relationship? If we’re having a hard time living together, do you think that means we should separate, or should we work on the relationship from different living situations?

8) What are our expectations for hosting? How should we determine who we invite over, how long we have them stay, and how we interact with them when they are staying with us? Is there anything we should make sure to discuss with one another before inviting someone over?

9) What have we both experienced with partners/friends/family/roommates in the past that has caused us to want to leave the living situation? Are there systems we can put in place to avoid this happening in our living situation together?

10) Why are each of us choosing to move in with the other? What would be our greatest hope for how taking this step might add to our relationship?

Going through these questions with yourself and your partner will help clarify expectations. If you're able to speak about your hopes and fears before you're in your new home, you'll have a more developed vision for how to move forward.

You'll be able to keep this conversation in mind as you weather the inevitable ups and downs of increased closeness. You'll also be able to operate from a place of honoring your highest hopes and your partners' highest hopes for this big step in your commitment to one another.

What is Compulsory Heterosexuality?

Compulsory heterosexuality is a term that was popularized by Adrienne Rich, a poet and writer, in 1980. It refers to the fact that people act in accordance with heterosexual norms because to do otherwise is to face potential ostracism, punishment, and violence.

The term compulsory heterosexuality recognized that across the world, in many places, heterosexuality is institutionally validated and normalized as the default. Thus, people are assumed to be heterosexual unless there are specific markers to indicate they are not. Compulsory heterosexuality is recognizable especially in the fact that queer people must come out, which straight people are not asked to clarify the gender identity of the people they love or have sex with.

One component of compulsory heterosexuality involves making assumptions about others. For example, you may think someone is straight because they have not indicated otherwise. This can sound something like "he 'looks' straight, and he hasn't come out to me as gay, so he must be straight" or "is your boyfriend coming to the office party?" Both of these examples include an assumption of heterosexuality.

Another component of compulsory heterosexuality involves operating from an internal place of assumption. For example, you may fail to consider the possibility of being queer yourself, since you assume yourself to be heterosexual, in line with institutionalized norms. This could sound like "I've always just dated women, I've never really thought about dating people of other genders." This includes an instance in which someone does not feel there is an option available to them other than the one that has come along with norms of heterosexuality.

Compulsory heterosexuality can end up causing harm if it:

• Makes someone feel they cannot pursue a relationship with a person they love and/or express their true identity to others

• Limits a person's ability to consider all the potential types of romantic relationships they would like to have

• Leads someone to make hurtful assumptions or homophobic comments

Compulsory heterosexuality might come up in therapy when:

• Someone needs to grieve the years of their life spent conforming to compulsory heterosexuality

• Someone is dealing with the difficulties of operating as a queer person in a compulsory heterosexual world

• Someone is just beginning to unpack and understand their identity as someone who is not heterosexual

Existing as a queer person in a compulsory heterosexual world can be a daily uphill battle. It takes fortitude, self-compassion, and sometimes, just luck, to find an environment where who you are and the type of relationship you have feel safe to be out in the open.